My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
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Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.