My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
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How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.