*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
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periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
this was the best i’ve ever seen
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
your honor my client chooses dare
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window