Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
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Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.