waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
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I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
consequences, the bane of my existence
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.