Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
You Might Also Like
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom