When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
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We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur