He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
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My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
That earthquake could have been an email.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.