According to math, I’m broke
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Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question