An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
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Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
So the ex texted me
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.