My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
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Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.