[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
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Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb