I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
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I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
so weird how every mom was born today
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
Not messing around