“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
You Might Also Like
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
Schrödinger’s cookie
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven