Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
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I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Called it
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!