If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
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God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Proctology is located in A55
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
not for long
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
Does beer think about me too?
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.