Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
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Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Me redecorating every room in my mind
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow