date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
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The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.