Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
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If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine