Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
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I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
the icebreaker
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.