Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
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My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Yep.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
The fall of Netflix
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”