I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
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INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready