Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
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“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.