A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
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Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER