They must have gotten it to go.
You Might Also Like
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Support your local cemetery
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?