Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
You Might Also Like
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?