My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
You Might Also Like
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
so weird how every mom was born today
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE