Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
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It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”