I might carry a baby with one hand.
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“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
How dramatic are you?
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
🖤✌🏽
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.