I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
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Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.