I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
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Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
Would you wear it?
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.