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i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.