I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
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Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
<- sleeps well with others
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?