Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
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Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
next question.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”