I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
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I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*