In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
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Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
had to make it
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web