ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
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How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
CUTE CAT‼︎
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance