When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
You Might Also Like
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq