Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
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SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Choose your fighter
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?