me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
You Might Also Like
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause