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ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
How to properly lift a body
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”