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No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it