Growing out my freckles.
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Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Selfie
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.