Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
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I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
It do be feeling this way.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
The news is so predictable nowadays
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Hit me in the face with a bird
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.