Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
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My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual