Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
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[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
“The Perfect Relationship”
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.