Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
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I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
incredible book dedication
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?