Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
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Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
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Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball