Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
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[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.