Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
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My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*